Today I am almost 7 weeks post op and, as of yesterday, I am free to live life as normal! I am finally allowed to pick up my son, drive and even do stomach exercises but, as I am already finding, the muscles will need some strengthening before these actions feel in any way 'normal'! I know that I have been very lucky to enjoy such a problem free recovery, although that has certainly been aided by the huge support I have received from family and friends. The doctors have also confirmed that they found absolutely nothing of concern in the tissue they removed - the only thing of note being scar tissue from the previous operation - which must surely be the best possible starting point for any preventative surgery.
As I mentioned in my last post, it did take a few weeks for my physical strength and stamina to return. The first time I took the train into London for a follow up appointment early in December, I also made the trip into the West End to pick up a necklace that was being mended. Although I initially thought I felt strong enough, I quickly realised that I wasn't ready for such a trip at that stage and the next day was spent pretty much glued to the armchair. With daily walks and increased activity, I have been able to build myself up again almost to pre-op strength physically (although I haven't yet tried any proper aerobic exercise!), but difficulty sleeping at night has definitely contributed towards the general tiredness which for me became the one main side effect of the surgery. Now that I am able to sleep in one position for a reasonable length of time without becoming uncomfortable, I have finally managed a few good nights' sleep and the mental fog is starting to clear, just in time for the return to work on Thursday!
With the benefit of hindsight, I am very glad to made the decision to have this operation this year. 22nd December marked 3 years since my first diagnosis and there are no signs of recurrence, meaning that I have not been fighting malignancy at the same time as recovering from major surgery. For other women I met along the way, the operation was just the first stage in a whole course of treatment, each stage no doubt increasing their physical and mental weakness. I was also able to prepare myself for the changes to the body, as well as the possible risks of surgery, in my own time, without any external pressures. Being fully in control of my own destiny (apart from whilst I was under anaesthetic of course!) has helped keep me strong and positive. Obviously there have been difficult moments - and times at which I questioned whether I had done the right thing - but the body's ability to recover is simply remarkable and any moments of distress have passed very quickly.
Throughout the past 7 weeks, I have been conscious that my surgery was elective - my decision completely. I was given the risk-reducing statistics, but in no way did the surgeons try to force my hand or even guide me in a particular direction. Furthermore, I wasn't ill, this was an entirely voluntary procedure which I chose to do. For this reason I have been bowled over by the messages of love and support, as well as the huge number of gifts, I have received:
- My work colleagues who have visited, corresponded and sent generous presents, whilst covering for me without complaint during one of the busiest periods of the year.
- My wonderful mother who has given up days of work and rearranged her life in order to take care of me and my son, no doubt exhausting herself in the process.
- My father, who despite a very busy working life, drove up to London on a Sunday evening to spend a couple of hours by my bedside.
- My sister, who took time off work to look after my son while I was in the operation, surprised me by visiting the hospital and was always thinking of me, despite going through very exciting times professionally and personally.
- My fabulous friends who have texted, visited, taken days off work and in one case done emergency shopping errands and made an urgent detour to the hospital on a Saturday night when I had need of a friendly face.
- My husband who has been ever understanding and supportive, not complaining when the bed was full of extra pillows and always saying I looked wonderful (when I'm sure I must have looked dreadful at times).
- My beautiful son who has made the recovery so much easier just by being here, giving me cuddles and flashing his cheeky smile.
- Even Facebook acquaintances who I really don't know well have taken the time and effort to send cards and even gifts.
I am hugely touched and will never forget the kind words and tremendous generosity I have felt. You are all amazing.
Many people have told me that my decision was brave and selfless, but I have to say that I do not really see it in those terms. Yes, it took some courage to put my body in the hands of the surgeons, but I trusted them implicitly - they have done this operation thousands of times before and can always correct anything that isn't quite right at a later date. Of course I was conscious that my son's life in particular should not be affected any more than necessary by his mother's health issues, but in my view I was acting more selfishly than selflessly - I did this for me, to try to make sure I can continue to enjoy my life and my family for many more years to come. We can all adapt to physical changes but no one can replace those precious moments of family life that we have been waiting so long to enjoy.
This is likely to be my final blog post, at least for this blog. The next stage of the reconstruction will happen in the next 6 months or so, but that is likely to be under local anaesthetic and day surgery, so will involve much less upheaval than the last 7 weeks. On Thursday I return to the world of work and things return to normal. It has been really helpful for me to write these entries, if somewhat sporadically and I thank you all for taking the time to read them. I have always wanted to write, but I had never really found, or made, the time for it until now. Perhaps this will encourage me to do more of it...New Year's Resolution maybe?!
I cannot believe that it has been almost 2 weeks since the last post! In the words of my beloved husband, 'it's very tiring doing nothing'!
Of course I haven't been doing 'nothing' as such, but I have definitely been much less active than usual. My scars are healing well and, although a little sore at times, they are far less painful. I have been very lucky not to suffer any infections or other complications (as far as I am aware at least!). As a result I am much more mobile and have been on a few walks and even to a christening on Sunday, though I need to remember that being able to potter around the house does not necessarily mean that I will easily be able to walk 3/4 mile into town! However, I do think it is important to test my limits and push myself a bit - both to ensure that my muscles keep working and to try to make sure that the eventual return to normal life/working/commuting etc is not too much of a shock when the time comes.
One of the most difficult aspects of this whole procedure for me was actually facing the reality of my 'new body'. Both the stomach scars and the new breasts are not properly visible to me without looking in the mirror, which means it is very easy for me to avoid looking at them. As the mirrors in the hospital showers were mainly at waist height, I did see the stomach scar quite early on, but it was not until I had been at home for a while that I had the courage to look at the breasts properly. Neither area has ever had much of an external dressing on, as they used internal stitching and glue/mesh (on the stomach) so, although early in the healing process, it is possible to imagine what everything will look like once the scar is less obvious and the bruising has died down. Although my breasts are smaller than previously, as expected, I am quite happy with the new shape and I am getting used to the lack of nipples (these will be created and areolae tattoed on at a later date). As the surgeons removed skin and fat from my stomach to create the new breasts, they have also created a new belly button which is higher and smaller than before, but again doesn't look unnatural. Finally, the stomach scar is very long but neat and once the mesh has come off (which looks a bit odd as it is covered in dark fluff from my jogging bottoms!), I think it will probably fade quite quickly. So all in all, I was pleasantly surprised by my reflection, when at last I managed to look!
It is also amazing how quickly everything becomes more comfortable. 2 weeks ago I remember sneezing would bring tears to my eyes - an incredible pain - now, it is just a slight pulling sensation, no more than a bit uncomfortable. The same for laughing and coughing. I am still quite numb around the breast area and below the stomach scar, which is rather odd - when I try to give my son a hug, it feels like there is plastic packaging between me and him, when in fact it is just me! I am told that it could take 3-4 months for the nerve endings to re-develop.
Talking about my son, it has been pretty hard for us to have a proper mother/son connection over the past 3 weeks. He is a pretty physical lad, and it is difficult for him to understand why Mummy cannot play 'tickles on the bed' or give him 'horsey' rides round the living room. To begin with, he ignored me a lot of the time, as I was so immobile and different to usual (and I had been away in hospital for 5 days). Gradually though he has become more used to the status quo and as I have become more mobile we have been able to play trains and puzzles like normal. On the way back from nursery the other day he said to his grandma 'Mummy's tummy getting better', so I think he probably does understand on some level. I do really miss being able to pick him up and give him more than a careful hug, but I have to keep reminding myself that he won't remember any of this when he is older (or even in 6 months time!) and enduring five or six weeks of fewer cuddles is nothing compared to the disruption a cancer recurrence would cause.
As a final note, I must say that my recovery would not have been so problem-free if I had not had such fantastic support from family and friends. My mum and husband, in particular, have been amazing - preparing meals, washing my hair, looking after my son, reassuring me in moments of panic (!) and generally allowing me time to rest and recuperate. I have also had countless bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates from well-wishers and I have been bowled over by the number of messages and even visits from friends and relatives. I am a very lucky lady indeed!
