Facing my new reality...

I cannot believe that it has been almost 2 weeks since the last post! In the words of my beloved husband, 'it's very tiring doing nothing'!

Of course I haven't been doing 'nothing' as such, but I have definitely been much less active than usual. My scars are healing well and, although a little sore at times, they are far less painful. I have been very lucky not to suffer any infections or other complications (as far as I am aware at least!).  As a result I am much more mobile and have been on a few walks and even to a christening on Sunday, though I need to remember that being able to potter around the house does not necessarily mean that I will easily be able to walk 3/4 mile into town! However, I do think it is important to test my limits and push myself a bit - both to ensure that my muscles keep working and to try to make sure that the eventual return to normal life/working/commuting etc is not too much of a shock when the time comes.

One of the most difficult aspects of this whole procedure for me was actually facing the reality of my 'new body'. Both the stomach scars and the new breasts are not properly visible to me without looking in the mirror, which means it is very easy for me to avoid looking at them. As the mirrors in the hospital showers were mainly at waist height, I did see the stomach scar quite early on, but it was not until I had been at home for a while that I had the courage to look at the breasts properly. Neither area has ever had much of an external dressing on, as they used internal stitching and glue/mesh (on the stomach) so, although early in the healing process, it is possible to imagine what everything will look like once the scar is less obvious and the bruising has died down. Although my breasts are smaller than previously, as expected, I am quite happy with the new shape and I am getting used to the lack of nipples (these will be created and areolae tattoed on at a later date). As the surgeons removed skin and fat from my stomach to create the new breasts, they have also created a new belly button which is higher and smaller than before, but again doesn't look unnatural. Finally, the stomach scar is very long but neat and once the mesh has come off (which looks a bit odd as it is covered in dark fluff from my jogging bottoms!), I think it will probably fade quite quickly. So all in all, I was pleasantly surprised by my reflection, when at last I managed to look!

It is also amazing how quickly everything becomes more comfortable. 2 weeks ago I remember sneezing would bring tears to my eyes - an incredible pain - now, it is just a slight pulling sensation, no more than a bit uncomfortable.  The same for laughing and coughing.  I am still quite numb around the breast area and below the stomach scar, which is rather odd - when I try to give my son a hug, it feels like there is plastic packaging between me and him, when in fact it is just me! I am told that it could take 3-4 months for the nerve endings to re-develop.

Talking about my son, it has been pretty hard for us to have a proper mother/son connection over the past 3 weeks. He is a pretty physical lad, and it is difficult for him to understand why Mummy cannot play 'tickles on the bed' or give him 'horsey' rides round the living room. To begin with, he ignored me a lot of the time, as I was so immobile and different to usual (and I had been away in hospital for 5 days). Gradually though he has become more used to the status quo and as I have become more mobile we have been able to play trains and puzzles like normal. On the way back from nursery the other day he said to his grandma 'Mummy's tummy getting better', so I think he probably does understand on some level. I do really miss being able to pick him up and give him more than a careful hug, but I have to keep reminding myself that he won't remember any of this when he is older (or even in 6 months time!) and enduring five or six weeks of fewer cuddles is nothing compared to the disruption a cancer recurrence would cause.

As a final note, I must say that my recovery would not have been so problem-free if I had not had such fantastic support from family and friends. My mum and husband, in particular, have been amazing - preparing meals, washing my hair, looking after my son, reassuring me in moments of panic (!) and generally allowing me time to rest and recuperate. I have also had countless bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates from well-wishers and I have been bowled over by the number of messages and even visits from friends and relatives. I am a very lucky lady indeed!